Eucharist Triptych: Part I "Here"

Here is the first part of a letter I wrote to a friend for a Eucharist project she had to complete:

I’ll tell you a little story. Before I had my First Communion, when I would watch everyone go up to receive, I wanted desperately to know what it was like. When my mom would return to the pew, I would ask to smell her breath, just so I could know what it was like even partially. Once, when my dad was meeting with the priest, I snuck into the chapel where the host had already been laid out on the offertory table. I picked up the unconsecrated host of the priest, the big one that he snaps in half during the Eucharistic prayer…and I gobbled the whole thing up before they found me. When dad found out what I had done, he was furious!Or at least, I do remember being punished for my transgression.

I felt so much pride when I celebrated my first communion. At my church, the child so honored gets to hold the chalice while everyone dips their host into it. I was thrilled to finally be having what everyone else was having, and I got to share it with them as well!

When I was younger, I would watch everyone going up to receive. Even after I received, I found it hard not to look at everybody shuffling by. I would look at the clothes they wore, the way they put their hands out, the way their mouths moved when they chewed, whether or not they did a quick sign of the cross afterwards. If I kept my head down, I still looked at their shoes going by. I was supposed to be praying. But I just watched everyone.

I remember my First Reconciliation, making something up because we each had to go in and confess a sin and I didn’t want to tell the priest at school. I wanted to tell my priest at home. It was the first and only time I would ever go to the Reconciliation Room at our chapel. After that we would go to the communal penance services during Lent each year.

When I found out that self-intinction, like we practice at my church, is prohibited- I was appalled. When I found out that you’re supposed to confess a mortal sin before receiving Communion or else it’s another mortal sin, I was baffled. When I found out that communal penance with a general absolution is not ‘kosher’, I didn’t know what to make of it. (And I just learned in the new GIRM that the priest isn’t supposed to snap the big host in half until the Fraction Rite!)

By that point I had developed a pretty clear theology of the Eucharist, and that suddenly had to be reconciled to this new, more doctrinal theology of the Eucharist. I also had to reconcile the way we did things at my church to the way we did things at mass in school (and every other parish in the country that we would visit on vacations).

I remember my second-grade teacher asking me who Jesus was. I told her he was the Messiah. She said he is more importantly the Son of God. I had trouble wrapping my mind around God having a Son. Years later, I have a better understanding of the Son of God because I have a relationship with him. When I found out that Jesus was fully present in the Eucharist, I had trouble with that one too. I could understand Jesus being present in the people all around me, but Jesus in the tabernacle???

I had served as Sacristan for years at my parish before I found out about the teaching that Christ is present in every single crumb. What was I to make of this shocking admission on the part of my friend in high school? Had I been violating Jesus countless times?

What we do in ignorance can not be held against us. And I really don’t believe that Jesus feels violated when I don’t follow the exact protocols. Jesus knows how much I try to seek him every day. My desire to do good does in fact please him, to use Merton’ familiar insight; so, how could he enact vengeance on a young, misguided boy?

In the process of discovery, I grew in awareness and understanding. The mountain climber, upon reaching the summit, can look back and evaluate the path he took getting there. Until then, he must rely on the best knowledge available to him before he begins the ascent. If indeed the Eucharist is the source and summit of our faith, then my ascent was much more rocky than necessary. And yet, I could not have done it without the graces being received in and through the sacrament, however faulty.

My point is that those who seek Him will indeed find Him. I wanted so much to know what was so special about the wafers and the wine I could smell on my mother’s breath. I wanted to know why all those people kept shuffling forward to receive. And- eventually- I did. I found out what was so special. I found Christ! Christ is not limited by our transgressions or failure on the part of priests and catechists. Christ is limited only by a heart that is not open to receiving Him. And that is what I pray each time I return to my pew after Communion. I say, “Thank you, Lord, for receiving me.”

Christ made it possible; he answered the prayers in my heart, the ones I didn’t even know I was asking. He brought me to greater awareness of Himself. That’s ultimately why we go to receive the Body and Blood of Christ—that we may be in relationship with Him.